Cheesus, I have 100+ anons. Sorry, guys, I’ll be out most of the day, but I’ll do the best I can when I come back.
Here’s the post I wrote yesterday. It’s super-long, so no pics:
Oh, well, I reached my posting limit, so I might as well do the round-up. (yes, this was yesterday)
Sorry about that guys. I’ll pace myself next time. I’m also going to start clustering anons and answering in groups as I’m hitting posting limits waaaaay too early every day.
Anyway, wedding roundup. I love overall themes and I think the theme here was “last minute save by the BRF.”
Remember when Harry reminded Meghan “you have a wedding to plan” during the Foundation Forum? Remember the invitations without his KVCO? Remember how we all wondered about the last minute cake and flowers?
Yep, it really was that slapdash.
Titles
But let’s start from the beginning–the titles. Duke of Sussex, Earl of Dumbarton, Baron Kilkeel. A rogue baron known for his outlaw marriages and divorces, Dumb-arton, and a small Irish village with a matching reference. You can’t beat that.
The DM is already starting with the “The Only Way Is Sussex” jokes.
They really did just throw together a whole bunch of fake flowers. This looked positively nightmarish. I love the New Yorker description:
I walked in, through the “cascading hedgerow” that was wreathed around the church’s west door, and caught the full impact of the floral arrangements within. So overpowering was this that, to be frank, I wasn’t sure whether I should be taking notes or gathering pollen. If the guests had stayed in their pews for long enough, they would have ended up producing their own honey.
The guest arrivals–Amal, Idris, James Blunt, James Corden, and a cast of millions…well, six hundred anyway. This truly looked like a red carpet with the guests posing and preening for the cameras.
Interestingly, Pippa and Fergie seem to be classified as Hollywood celebs and Kate and the other royals aren’t.
This was the one part of the wedding that was definitely thought up in advance. That trip to LA in December was definitely Meghan putting together her dream celebrity guest list and getting the agents on board. Note that all of her agents were invited (of course!). This think looked and felt like a Hollywood party. I had an anon who said that it was “the Oscars she never had.” Yep, that describes it exactly.
No foreign royals (because they had no “personal connection” LOLOLOLOL). Very few non-US/UK people (even though they supposedly “own” the Commonwealth now). Few aristo friends (seated BEHIND the celebrity acquaintances, LOLOLOL). Tons of celebs that they don’t even know.
My favorite part was the DM describing Oprah as “US chat show queen.” LOLOLOLOL.
Guess the DM was right about that six-hour meeting with Doria and the pile of presents. I imagine we have an interview in the near future. I bet the BRF is thrilled to pieces about that. Not.
I gotta say, I was expecting celebs, but I wasn’t expecting THIS MANY celebs. This was a full Hollywood takeover.
But the aristo crowd still put up a good showing. Everyone looked lovely (even Fergie!). Eugenie and Bea looked cute. Chelsy, Joss, Pippa and Cress were gorgeous (even if Pippa did look like the Arizona iced tea can). Kitty Spencer stole the freaking show. She looked amazing.
Was Fergie the happiest guest there? She was positively ecstatic.
BTW, Chelsy and her friend smh-ing at all the celebs in attendance was one of my favorite moments. You can tell they are trying to figure out who all these people are. That was a big contrast, the celebs were all greeting each other in a very showy way and the aristos were all taking their seats and wondering what exactly they had wandered into.
The family looked great, if a little recycled and mournful. There was a marked blend-into-the-background effort here. Everyone seemed to be trying to be calling as little attention to themselves as possible.
I’m not sure I like Sophie’s new love for the ¾ skirt, but Louise looked great. Zara looked amazing, it a little shell-shocked by the fact that this seemed to actually be happening. Kate and the Middletons recycled like crazy and managed not too laugh maniacally through the whole thing, a testament to Middletonian good manners.
The family show saved this from being just a crap celeb wedding. Charlotte’s wave stole the show.
But the theme of the wedding was clear from the beginning. Tons of celebs and they were given preferential treatment over even old friends. The architecture of the chapel worsened this effect as there was clearly a VIP seating area. Oprah’s “I can’t choose my own seat? Don’t you know who I am?” moment did not help. Well, we know what Slutsex’s priorities are now. God, what a pair of assholes these two are.
But I love being able to use that nickname. Thanks, HM!!!!
Anyway, the DM did a seating graph, just to make sure everyone got the point.
Boy, they looked like they were going to a funeral. I think the goal here was simple elegance and this is a uniform that Harry consistently gets praise for…when he uses it for Remembrance Day. It is very somber and sad. I think they should have picked something else.
Notably, there were no “cute” Will and Harry moments. You could cut the tension with a dull knife at this event.
Time tried to go for “sweet” brother moments, but they had no luck.
I thought this was actually well done. No Spencer tiara, which was a good call. They looked lovely in the car and I’m sure Doria got a Cartier nose ring for the occasion. Nothing but class for these ladies, lol.
Elle, by the way, thought the “diamond” nose ring was the epitome of “chic.” I can’t handle it, the coverage for this fiasco is amazing.
The tiara looked fug as hell, but the arrival in the car was not bad. For a minute there, I thought they might pull this off.
Then Meghan got out of the car.
The Dress
Well, I got the designer wrong (Stella ended up doing the evening dress), but this was exactly the silhouette I was picturing. She tried out the bateau neckline with that fug Theory top in Wales.
Never in a million years did I think she would pick the house that designed Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress, but there you go.
As I suspected, it looked meh and underwhelming in the Windsor Castle setting. The dress (the whole wedding, in fact, strewn flowers and rustic cake and all) would have looked lovely in Scotland or Norfolk or a place like that. It looked bland in Windsor and it didn’t seem to fit very well. The bouquet was meh. The veil looked like mosquito netting.
The kids were cute because kids are always cute, but the stark black uniforms were just as sad and funeral-looking as the adults’.
Again, the BRF saved the day by planting a honking big (if abysmally ugly) tiara on her to make up for the underwhelming dress. They also announced that Harry had picked the bouquet flowers himself, a truly ludicrous statement since the bouquet matched those of the flower girls. I think they realized this and turned it into “one” flower or the forget-me-nots or something. LOL, I love how the KP lying is to painfully obvious now.
BTW, People identifies the true “Cinderella” story here. Meghan once struggled to get “Big Designers” to loan her clothes.
This was carefully planned to produce a charming kid photo op and it failed utterly. All we got was Meghan impatiently waiting for less’ boys to get their act together.
They scheduled the event around the US time zones and forgot that the bright Spring sunlight would not work for photography. The skylights inside the chapel did not help, and neither did cutting down the number of photographers outside the chapel. I don’t think she has one good pic. James Whatling was, of course, the favored photog, but even he couldn’t get a pic without harsh shadows and bad lighting. Even the flower girl pics were bad.
And WTF with the mini-mes pageboys and flower girls? They really did dress the kids like they did the adults. This was my one huge disappointment with the ceremony. I was expecting the trainwreck of meh, but I was at least hoping the kid outfits would be awesome. They were the exact opposite of awesome. I feel like Ma Ingalls could have done a better job with a few flour sacks and her trusty sewing box.
The big BRF save here was having Chuck walk her down the aisle. The big laugh was Harry saying “You look amazing—I missed you” and Meghan simply replying “thank you.” True love, y’all.
The Service
Tentacle hands!!!! I thought the gospel choir was lovely and the preacher, of course, stole the show. Zara’s reactions were amazing. It was a lovely sermon, but very much in the American style, and you could tell that the Brits didn’t know what to make of it.
Most giggles arose during the “FIRE, FIRE, FIRE” section, but I, personally, started cackling when the reverend said “[w]hen love is the way, we actually treat each other — well, like we are actually family.” Extremely ironic words given the state of Meghan’s family. He should have said “we actually treat each other—like we are powerful celebrities with common financial and marketing interests.” That doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue though.
Justin Welby’s “x-rated line” (“together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union”) was also the cause of much merriment.
Harry sounded sincere. I think this idiot is really in love. Meghan sounded more sincere during her Suits wedding. You’d think she’d be better at this given she’s had so much practice.
Doria did a good job and looked suitably moved. She has also had practice.
Walking out/The Kiss
Harry looked into it and poor Meghan looked like she was not enjoying it at all. I guess she’s more at home with the tentacle hands and burping. The DM called it theatrical. I guess it was, but I dunno, I think she’s done much better work before.
Well, this made up for having to kiss Harry in public. They were both positively giddy during the carriage ride. They also got their one good pic here, an overhead shot where you can’t see either of their faces. They are holding hands while they soak up the crowd noise. LOL, you can tell that’s their favorite part of the whole thing. I guess this is why they wouldn’t budge on the $40 million expense.
Meghan dropped the F-bomb. Totes relatable, y’all.
Another Chuck save as he walked Doria and Camilla out of the church. The Cambridges looked lovely. Everyone looked bloody relieved.
The Cake
What the fug was this? I expected the cake to be bad, but this was atrocious. This was another big save by the BRF as they dug up their gaudiest gold serving plates to try to make this look good. It really was that crap layer cake she was working on. Was this supposed to feed 600 people? Were they serving their guests crumbs?
The baker proudly posted a close-up of the messy frosting on her IG. She really did just spackle on some buttercream and toss on some flowers. I honestly don’t understand why this woman is not dying of embarrassment right now.
Stand-up (The Duchess of Kent arrived in sneakers, so I guess someone had warned her) and serving finger food. The BRF again saves the day by stuffing as many obscure words as they could into the menu to make it somewhat interesting. Still, asparagus wrapped in prosciutto? Tomato and basil? I guess the Olive Garden touch is a lovely nod to the bride’s American heritage. I bet the guests wished that the nod would have extended to all-you-can-eat breadsticks.
LOLOLOLOL. She got Di’s divorcee ring. That is so, so creepy. She looked overjoyed about it though, even happier than she was during the carriage ride. That ring is famous because Di wore it to her 1997 clothes auction, a huge symbolic break with her royal past. I bet the royals parted with it gladly.
And STEEEEEELLLLLAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Finally, I guess she hit TWO celeb-connected designers instead of one. She’s covering all her celeb bases. Halter top was tacky as hell and didn’t fit, of course, but it gave her a long-desired Bond Girl moment. Slut strand city too.
This wedding was all about giving her the Hollywood events she couldn’t earn through her acting talents—celeb red carpet, Bond Girl scene, tiara acceptance speech.
A new Jag, without the sentimental luggage of the car Will and Kate used for their getaway, and a very James Bond exit to Frogmore House. These two really think they are filming a movie, or rather a Bond-themed car ad. He absolutely murdered his “regular joe,” “People’s Prince” image in one fell swoop.
I loved that little wave she did showing off her Diana loot. There is a refreshing honesty to Meghan Markle. She’s not going to pretend that she’d rusticate in Dumfuck, Wales with her man. She’s into it for the BS Weekly covers, the Oprah interviews, the BFF Amal leaks and the Diana loot and she’s not ashamed to show it. Harry really does have the IQ of stale hummus, doesn’t he? I think he straight out owned this ring and he just gave it to her as a present. Good luck getting it back in the divorce, dumbass.
I’m honestly surprised at the fact that Meghan didn’t even bother to fake-cry. This dude is practically dying of dehydration, Megs. Make en effort.
But the best part of the after party is all the new celeb friends merching and posting on IG and bragging about meeting the BRF. Congrats on your “new circle” of friends, Harry.
Cheesus, even Nacho was selling cologne with his “evening invite” and I’d always been so proud of him for not using the royal connection on anything but sport and charity business. Guess the rules have changed.
I hear that someone leaked reception pics to the DM and Harry had them taken down. LOLOLOL because hypocrisy much?
Oh, and kudos to Priyanka on merching the Dior “Diana” bag. Bitch does her research.
Jess got a second Pippa “butt pic” in. LOLOLOLOLOL.
The BRF website is now officially the TIG. OMG, she’s bragging about her high school volunteering. These people have been doing charity all their lives and she’s bragging about her 9thgrade extracurricular.
I saw a few tweets wondering why she didn’t mention her acting. LOLOLOLOL, this is typical Markle re-invention. In a few months, it will be as if she never acted at all.
Random Stuff
She gave Kate a friendship bracelet!!!! I had an anon who said this would happen. Kudos anon. It looks like a Claire’s Easter special, and it’s for sale for $450 dollars because of course it is.
And on a scale of 1 to Millie Mackintosh’s publicist, how good are you at your job? This girl got more publicity out of the wedding than most invitees (Priyanka Chopra excepted, of course).
They got 4M in Australia which was close to Will and Kate’s 4.8 million. I thought these numbers were ridiculously low, but then I realized that Australia only has 24 million people. They are smaller than Texas!
Crowd seems to be generally described as “around 100,000.” I can’t find a closer number than that, but I’m guessing it’s going to come out below that.
The BBC trolled Trump with a pic of his inaguration. I loved this because I hate Trump more than I hate Meghan, but, sadly, they are full of shit. Trump was mocked because he said his inaguration crowd was “the biggest ever” and it only pulled in like 240,000 people in the Mall, which is pathetic when compared to Obama’s 800,000. He still, however, pulled in 240k and I’ve heard of Dem “scare the troops into working” emails that screech “don’t’ be complacent because he may have actually gotten 400k, which is an average inaguration crowd!!!!! Get back to door knocking you lazy buttholes.”
The general theme here seemed to be “Will & Kate’s wedding, but tackier.” Where the Cambridges stressed family and continuity, the Slutsexes are stressing materialism and celeb worship. Where the Cambridges focused on British heritage and history, the Slutsexes focus on luxury brands and self-promotion. Where the Cambridges had composure and restraint, the Slutsexes had Hollywood posing and random cursing.
And the K-Klub even produced a little merger offer. I doubt William will pick them up on it, but the Slutsexes are likely going to have a baby soon so a future Kardashian-Slutsex marriage may not be out of the question.
The other main theme is, where the hell did the money go? $270k for that David’s Bridal special? No way. The cake was tiny and took no effort. The flowers were plastic. The reception menu was a Costco appetizer platter with a good thesaurus. Did they spend all of Chuck’s money on Meghan’s gotta-catch’em-all Cartier collection and Harry’s new Jag? “Sorry, honeybun, we can’t afford the Jag AND mozzarella. One’s gotta go.” “Oh, hell, just serve them tomato with a basil leaf on top and call it a ‘tartare.’ They are American. They won’t know the difference.”
And, finally, hooray for the celebration of black America. It wasn’t what anyone expected, but I’m sure it will serve Meghan in good stead when she ditches her groom and returns to the States.
We Americans are amazing. We just conned England into paying $40M for a celebration of out culture. We rock.
This little wedding trip plays to both countries’ psychoses. We get to re-establish our position as the belly-button of the universe by having Britain’s royal family be all about us and our racial wounds, and Britain gets to feel like a world power again by acting like their two-bit hereditary whatnot trumps our first Black First Lady and validates our social progress. It’s the special relationship at its best.
Overall, however, I say this is a win for the BRF. Long after Meghan has divorced Harry, packed her Diana ring and Cartier collection, the BRF will still have pics of the day they embraced multiculturalism with a gospel-themed wedding with MLK quotes. Well done.
They didn’t look triumphant, though. That last pic of Doria, Charles, Cam, and the Cambridges was, imo, relieved, yet mournful.
My last thought is, how fucking whipped is this dude? From the “I hope Meghan’s alright” moment to the baby-ish hand-holding, to the aquamarine ring, it was pretty clear (at least to me) that this guy is idiotically in love. I’ve gotten a lot of anons asking me what’s going on behind the scenes and why is she “getting everything she wants” and asking if she’s blackmailing the BRF or something.
I think he’s in love. It’s as simple as that. He’s and idiot and he’s in love and he’s desperate to keep her and he knows this is the way he can keep her—jewels and publicity and Diana crap.
It’s gonna be pretty goddamn tragic when she ditches him the way she has ditched everyone.
I also have a lot of anons asking me what I think will happen next. I think it will be the same stuff we’ve seen until now Harry and Meghan fuck up (engagement dress, nude pics, family drama) and the BRF comes in an saves them (Sandringham, Commonwealth everything, and Charles walking Megs down the aisle). It will be wash, rinse, repeat until they fuck up so magnificently that even the BRF can’t save them. Also, baby rumors around August, baby announcement by September, and baby bump by Eugenie’s wedding. I also think they will go on a “work” spree to try to overshadow the Cambridges who will just roll their eyes and get working on Cambridge #4. We should also see a ton of ill-fitting, untaiilored high fashion “lewks” because this woman has now reached merching Nirvana.
House of Brat 