afewreelthoughts:

asoiaf characters as john mulaney quotes

Ned: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Daenerys: The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

Sansa: Part of me was like, whatever, you know. You know those days when you’re like… this might as well happen?

Arya: Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.

Bran: I am very small, and I have no money. You can imagine the kind of stress I’m under.

Robert: I’m either having a drink or I have to pee. You’re living the golden years, kid, not me.

Joffrey: IN FACT, WE’RE GONNA FRAME YOU FOR MURDER, AND YOU’RE GONNA GO TO JAIL FOR 30 YEARS.

Catelyn: It’s a grid system, motherfucker. Where you at – 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go – 35th and 6th? Eleven up and one over ya simple bitch.

Petyr: And I said ‘no’. You know, like a liar.

Tyrion: I quit drinking cause I used to drink too much, and then I would black out, and I would “ruin parties” or so I’m told.

Jaime: I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.

Cersei: Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.

Davos: It is so much easier not to do things than to do them. 

Stannis: We were at Lion King on Broadway and there was a five year old behind us going, “Look it’s Pumbaa! Look its Timon!” and my dad turned around and said, “Are you going to talk the entire time?”

Renly: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.

Asha: *smashes a 40* SCATTER

Theon: I don’t look older. I just look worse.

Sam: Some people give off a vibe like right away they’re like “don’t fuck with me.” My vibe is more like “hey you could pour hot soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you.”

Robb: Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon.

Sandor: So my dad pulled up to the drive thru window and ordered a black coffee. The one thing no kid can ever enjoy.

Brienne: Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day.

Margaery: I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.

Loras: Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time… and I have no outlet for it.

Ygritte: Anyone who’s seen me naked and met my parents has to die. I can’t have them running around.

Arianne: I like to lean in and go “stop snitchin’ motherfucker” and walk off.

Jon Connington: I’ll keep all my feelings right here and one day I’ll die.

Aeron: Something happened here. You hope it was a miracle. Probably not.

Euron: This is an on-fire garbage can.

Victarion: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.

Melisandre: If it’s a true or false question, you should be able to add a third option, which is… “Who’s to say?”

Jon Snow: The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best.