Effective immediately, users of Instagram must be at least one of the following at all times:

• In Greece.
• Getting married.
• Eating an expensive-looking meal that—surprise!—is actually homemade.
• Smiling the carefree smile of the young and beautiful.
• In an immersive Yayoi Kusama art installation.
• A baby. (Note to babies: try the Gingham filter!)
• Looking away from the camera the way models do, you know?
• A sponsored advertisement for an organic protein bar that retails for $5.99.