The Night King: Don’t go picking fights with me. I could make your life difficult.
Stark Family: Wow. I wonder what it would be like to have a difficult life.
I promise never to say anything bad about you to anyone, ever, although I can’t promise not to roll my eyes, make finger-down-my-throat motions, or mime choking myself to death.
I agree never to reveal anything about your finances, except for all the money you owe me for movie tickets I purchased online for both of us, which you somehow forgot all about reimbursing me for, or brushed off by insisting, ‘I’ll get them next time.’
I will refuse to add devil horns, a disfiguring mustache, or a crudely drawn facial penis to any photo of you, unless I’m really bored at the office or whatever.
When a prospective employer of yours contacts me as a reference, I will never make a spit-take sound, inquire about mandatory drug testing, or congratulate said employer on ‘not believing the Internet.’
Happy Birthday Carrie Fisher! [B. October 21st, 1956-∞]
“When I love, I love for miles and miles. A love so big it should either be outlawed or it should have a capital and its own currency.” – Carrie Fisher
Happy birthday to my Earth Mom, who birthed me and raised me, and to my Space Mom, who shaped and strengthened me.
Effective immediately, users of Instagram must be at least one of the following at all times:
• In Greece.
• Getting married.
• Eating an expensive-looking meal that—surprise!—is actually homemade.
• Smiling the carefree smile of the young and beautiful.
• In an immersive Yayoi Kusama art installation.
• A baby. (Note to babies: try the Gingham filter!)
• Looking away from the camera the way models do, you know?
• A sponsored advertisement for an organic protein bar that retails for $5.99.
Ned: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
Daenerys: The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
Sansa: Part of me was like, whatever, you know. You know those days when you’re like… this might as well happen?
Arya: Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.
Bran: I am very small, and I have no money. You can imagine the kind of stress I’m under.
Robert: I’m either having a drink or I have to pee. You’re living the golden years, kid, not me.
Joffrey: IN FACT, WE’RE GONNA FRAME YOU FOR MURDER, AND YOU’RE GONNA GO TO JAIL FOR 30 YEARS.
Catelyn: It’s a grid system, motherfucker. Where you at – 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go – 35th and 6th? Eleven up and one over ya simple bitch.
Petyr: And I said ‘no’. You know, like a liar.
Tyrion: I quit drinking cause I used to drink too much, and then I would black out, and I would “ruin parties” or so I’m told.
Jaime: I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.
Cersei: Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.
Davos: It is so much easier not to do things than to do them.
Stannis: We were at Lion King on Broadway and there was a five year old behind us going, “Look it’s Pumbaa! Look its Timon!” and my dad turned around and said, “Are you going to talk the entire time?”
Renly: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.
Asha: *smashes a 40* SCATTER
Theon: I don’t look older. I just look worse.
Sam: Some people give off a vibe like right away they’re like “don’t fuck with me.” My vibe is more like “hey you could pour hot soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you.”
Robb: Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon.
Sandor: So my dad pulled up to the drive thru window and ordered a black coffee. The one thing no kid can ever enjoy.
Brienne: Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day.
Margaery: I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.
Loras: Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time… and I have no outlet for it.
Ygritte: Anyone who’s seen me naked and met my parents has to die. I can’t have them running around.
Arianne: I like to lean in and go “stop snitchin’ motherfucker” and walk off.
Jon Connington: I’ll keep all my feelings right here and one day I’ll die.
Aeron: Something happened here. You hope it was a miracle. Probably not.
Euron: This is an on-fire garbage can.
Victarion: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.
Melisandre: If it’s a true or false question, you should be able to add a third option, which is… “Who’s to say?”
Jon Snow: The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best.
Diana: Does it bother
either of you that Thor straight up tries to murder Captain America in this
movie?
Ian: When? In the woods?
Diana: Yes! Guys,
this is an attempted murder. Thor is fighting Iron Man who is clearly wearing
armor, but then Cap shows up and literally just says, “Let’s stop fighting” and
Thor, having no idea the shield can stop Mjolnir, brings it down right on his
head! We should have a pile of Cap mush.
Andrew: If that had
been a regular shield Thor would have just murdered a man so hard the body
would be unidentifiable.
Ian: It would be
great to see that and then Thor is just like, “What? No! I thought you were all
super strong!”
Diana: Thor’s been to
Earth, he knows we’re mushy.
Ian: Yeah but he’s
been punching Iron Man for like ten minutes.
Diana: Iron Man is in
metal armor, Cap is in spandex! He can see the difference.
Andrew: If it was a
regular shield Cap would have been turned to powder.
Diana: What a dark
movie that would be, if Thor murdered Cap and then they all still had to work
together.
Andrew: No, just credits.
That’s the death of Captain America
and the end of the movie.
Ian: It’s just Loki up
on that mountain cheering, “Woo, I win! Nice work brother!”
– The Hosts of Talk
From Superheroes on The Avengers and Why Thor Should Be More Careful
Listen to more
episodes here, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify of wherever you get your podcasts.
House of Brat 